When I contemplated doing what AB is doing now, I quailed at the thought. Ifeel like I can’t do this shit, this is not what I’m good at, and I might ruin other people’s lives. I can’t bear the responsibility, the urgency of having to make choices. I was not designed to make choices. But then the realization that I am no longer running a path of my own volition has instilled in me a sort of fatalism. Either I’ll make it, or I won’t, and if the worst that can happen to me is prison and/or death, then I can deal with that. It’s only when I start thinking that this is still my life, with myriads of decisions to be made, that I freak out. Well, we’ll see. If I can’t handle anatomy, then I’m going home.

I can’t help but feel that I’ve made the wrong choice. Maybe it’s time to start playing the Big Game. If I win, I’m outta here. If I had just tried to apply somewhere else, I might not be in this mess. Maybe. Shit.

Well, that was just a dream. I really should burn [down] that final bridge, cut that final strand. Better to fall screaming at top speed than go inch-by-inch, I say. But I’ve gotta tell you, I’m scared shitless.

Oh yeah, there was my crisis of faith, too, yesterday. I am so close to giving up on God, but I know I’ll just be more lost than ever if I do let go. I mean, I can’t deal with the ritualism any more, the way people mindlessly believe. The strange thing, though, is that I believe every word Christ says (or is supposed to have said.) I’m just pissed off that people don’t get it the same way.

There are no easy answers. God wants us to think. That, above all else, is his will. So I don’t buy that Garden of Eden crap, really. I know that he doesn’t want us to lie to Him, or believe other people over Him, or kill one another, though, which is pretty much the message I get. Everything else is just mythology as far as I’m concerned.

But it really explains the whole Free Will thing. I mean, yeah, death and suffering are terrible things, and I can talk about them blithely because I haven’t even remotely experienced them, but seriously, if that’s the worst that can happen, you can’t really blame God. All evil is the result of human action. I mean, sure, if all God wanted was a set of puppets, [there would be no evil].

But he wants us to think. To make hard choices.

Goddamn, I’m scared of life.

What do I want? But, you know, it doesn’t matter. Will doing this really get my parents off my back? Will quitting really kill them? I really should’ve just said “Fuck it, I’m going home.” I don’t know why I changed my mind. It was stupid.

But this is enough, right now. But maybe I won’t cut it when the going gets rough. I won’t be able to take the pressure.

God give me strength.

I wish I knew what the best path will be. Only problem is, I know what I like doing, and [it] isn’t necessarily going into medicine.

Oh yeah, but how will I eat? Whatever I do, it’ll be a hard decision. Is it going to be now or later? Well, I won’t say another word until everything really starts.