mahiwaga

OK, this every other day thing kind of stinks. I really have to do this every day. There’s a lot of shit going through my mind, enough for me to get lost in, so I’ve got to make it a point to sort it out.

I dreamt of [redacted] last night. It was a really detailed dream, pretty long. I only remember the middle part, really. I was having a drink with her at some dive. I assumed it was L.A., but more likely it was… some strange amalgam of L.A., Chicago, NYC, and Midgar City. So I realize it couldn’t have been real. Anyway, afterwards, I went to a poetry reading, and I remember wishing she’d be there, too, but apparently her agenda diverged from my mine. I can’t remember if I was reading, but I remember seeing people who recognized me. I was a writer, honest to god, and I don’t know what was the greater heartache upon waking: realizing that I might never see her again, or realizing that the path that I am taking does not seem to be leading to where I want to go. (Oh, but desire and duty are leading to opposite paths. Sometimes I feel like I am being drawn and quartered.)

OK, back to Hiroshima. It’s somewhat ironic that the U.S. is the only country that has actually used a nuclear bomb on somebody. This is seriously a grave atrocity. I wonder why we decided to use it against civilians? If anything, we ought to have nuked the Emperor [or Tojo]. I guess the elite really [do] protect the elite, [war or no war].

Oh, I remembered what the first part of my dream was: a retelling of The Lord of the Rings. Say, if Saruman got to the Shire, disguised as Gandalf, or some such perturbation. Anyway.

The thing with nuking a civilian population: this is probably ultimately the reason why terrorism has become rampant. If we broke the rules, who are we to [enforce them]? I really wonder, if some of those soldiers had been given a chance to see how violent the future [would] become due to the dropping of the bomb, if maybe they would’ve volunteered to storm Honshu instead.

How different the Cold War would [have been]. How different [the U.S.] would be perceived, if we didn’t [decide that our first target for atomic annihilation would be tens of thousands of civilians].

[In my dream], I think LotR was melded with “The Legend of Zelda”, too.

Well, was that it? There really aren’t any answers. I wonder how quickly the time will go? Hopefully, I’ll be back in California soon. (And every time I say it, my old pessimism creeps back in, makes me think I’ll never live there again.) God, how I would like to be happy.