tags: black Mead 1-subject notebook
1997
October
- 1997 Oct 8
- The Tentacles of God
The rain trickles down; drizzle patters against the asphalt and the concrete
· Read more…
November
- 1997 Nov 10
- Running Down on Rails
When the world is running down, you make the best of what's still around.
· Read more…
1998
July
- 1998 Jul 11
- Forsaken
I've seen a trillion stars
· Read more…
Burning upon the midnight sky
Still hoping for impossibilities
Still wishing for what cannot be
Even as my heart crumbles
Like a dessicated carcass long in the desert sun
Ash, ash, and no hope
Tell me the missteps I've taken
I wish to know what to regret
Much better the particular, specific grief
Rather than this dull, general drear
I trod upon the wayward path
Leading to the endless abyss
The land of the damned
Where the very idea of happiness
Is a ludicrous absurdity
that sets its denizens erupting with mirthless laughter
Oh, how laughter is cruelty
I know it not without its sharp barbs
Laughter which comes from my throat
Knows nothing of joy
and everything of bitterness
Still I dare ask why
I must be
Continue on
As this empty shell of a man
No dreams for tomorrow
I do not wish to stir even today
For the fire in my heart is extinguished
And not even an ember glows
I want nothing
For all I have desired has led to disappointment
And hope has just become another word for despair
I want nothing
But the silent grave of oblivion is slow to creep
Time crawls, inch by inch
I have a hundred thousand days to waste
wanting nothing
And still I will not get what I want
No do not tell me to wait for better times
I know everything about waiting
Waiting leads but to one thing
And that is only more waiting
and waiting to wait
life is only endless waiting
No do not tell me things will get better
For I have hoped with all my strength
wished with all my might
And still I have nothing to show for it
Though I crawl through the mud from sunrise to sunset
And bend my back in hard labor
I am dead
though I must still keep living
I know this is true because I no longer feel anything
October
- 1998 Oct 8
- Endless Wonder
I am to wonder, I am to wonder
· Read more…
Dreaming of finishing this book
flipping pages until it's over
but it's never over
remembering flames, the buildings all lit up
amidst the burned-out wreckage - 1998 Oct 13
- A Place
All I want is a place
· Read more…
I'm tired of being crammed into narrow spaces with sharp corners and jagged edges trying to fit where I know I don't belong