Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

— Miss O'Kistic (@missokistic) May 14, 2014

It’s not good business to instakill your customers.

My more nuanced script would be something like this: Ayn Rand, Rand Paul, and Paul Ryan go to a bar and drink methanol-contaminated alcohol because there are no regulations and it’s far cheaper to not to discard the heads and to cut the end product with methylated spirits. People don’t die right away anyway and most people can’t sue because it costs thousands of dollars to bring a case to court and the court can be bought if you have enough money.

Sure, there is a private regulatory agency not beholden to the government, but they charge exorbitant prices for memberships and inspections, and they actually don’t ensure that your alcohol isn’t contaminated. They simply pocket the money. Because they make sure everyone who goes into the bar signs an arbitration agreement, now you can’t sue even if you had the money to bring a case to court and bribe the court to rule in your favor. The arbitration board unsurprisingly always rules in the bar’s favor.

Over time, the three start going blind and insane. Everyone blames them personally for drinking methanol-tainted alcohol even though methanol-tainted alcohol is the only thing available. All the distilleries that discarded the methanol-tainted heads and did not adulterate their products with methylated spirits have gone out of business because their product is too expensive and while the superrich have ways of getting untainted product by unsavory means, quantities are very limited and very expensive, and they still end up drinking tainted alcohol at social gatherings.

Because they are blind and insane, they can no longer productively work. They lose their houses and are thrown out onto the street and die in a gutter from aspiration pneumonia which, while easily treatable, costs thousands of dollars that they no longer have, because health care is only sold as a consumer good for profit, and most pharmaceutical companies only bother selling antibiotics to Big Ag for improved meat production instead of to ERs and outpatient clinics which can’t afford the insanely high prices to stock them.