The problem is that if you think too far ahead, everything always ends in disaster. This is the ugly reality.

The trick is to recognize the appropriate time frame and to not exceed the limitations of human perception.

The is far more difficult than you might imagine.

I think of poor Sydney Carton, and wonder if that’s the only possible path at this juncture. Self-sacrifice. Unrecognized martyrdom. Is this the far, far better thing that I must do? Death, so that others might be happy?

At least they’d fucking remember me. I guess.

Is sustainable happiness simply too much to ask for? Oh, I know that life is filled with pain and struggle. I know that I will suffer. Even if she loves me in return, it doesn’t mean that we won’t argue, fuss, or fight. That kind of harmony is impossible, and anyone who says otherwise is suspect.

But, to have fucked-up days upon end, and yet know that you’ve got someone on your side, even if they disagree with you and think that you’re totally wrong, to know that she’s got your back. Is this just too much?

I’m not going to get anywhere in the state I’m in. Maybe I just have to call it a night, and pass out into the oblivion of sleep.