I suppose that dull, drear apathy is preferable to suicidal depression, but I keep thinking that there’s definitely something missing from my life. The apathy, I’m sure, is merely a symptom, and not the thing itself. (And I guess I’ve become some sort of expert about what things aren’t, although I’m still pretty sucky at telling what things are.)

Which just goes to prove the maxim that sometimes the best you can really do is numb the pain. You can’t make the pain go away without getting rid of the underlying cause.

I think that I’ve always had an answer for what I wanted to do with my life. Sometimes it was simply because I was naive and ill-informed. Other times it’s because I knew that it was that socially-acceptable thing to say, and that our absurdly competitive society doesn’t look well upon ambition-less, lazy bastards.

These days, I’m drawing up a big, fat blank. A big numero zero. The veritable goose-egg.

The other day I was walking around (of all places, horror-of-horrors) Old Pasadena, and I was accosted by a Larouchean agitator, and she asked me what I thought about what was going on in the world, and I thought about it a bit. Frankly, it seems like the world is on the verge of catastrophe.

catastrophe

1540, “reversal of what is expected” (especially a fatal turning point in a drama), from Gk. katastrephein “to overturn,” from kata “down” + strephein “turn.” (from the Online Etymology Dictionary)

It’s not going to be something sudden, but it’s going to something irreversible. I feel like an era is ending. The center of power is shifting away from the U.S.

And while Barack preaches hope, I find it hard to see. I feel like the train has long left the station. We should’ve been having these conversations four years ago, should’ve been taking action to stop the juggernaut of the military-industrial complex. Instead, we’ve let them lead us into an inescapable quagmire that is destined to suck the marrow of our nation for decades, doomed to bankrupt us all.

The problem is that I feel like all the things I feel strongly about are wildly out of my control. What I need is a goal that is attainable, that has measurable milestones, and that would actually have a positive impact on the world at large.

Just a little wish, really. (Hah!)