As I drove through the hidden streets of L.A. yesterday, on the final leg of my trip back home from S.D., I found myself haunted by this song by Ben Folds, who sings a requiem to the late Elliot Smith:

The refrain really got me:

It’s too late
Don’t you know
It’s been too late
For a long time

As much as I’ve muttered and fretted about the emptiness of my life, and how, in the end, I’m not going to make it, there is still a little part of me that hopes that I’m wrong, that maybe there’s something I can do to salvage this, or maybe luck will smile upon me and save me from this wretched existence.

But I can’t help wonder if the decisions have already been made. The key defining points of my life have already passed, and it’s all about playing the end game, however long that might be.