This is my last weekend off for a month, and I’m not really doing anything with it. Mostly watching T.V. I’m really digging this video on-demand at my parents’ house. I’ve watched like four movies already.

I’m sort of losing my motivation again.

(Death is neither good or bad, but some ways of dying are better than others.)

I don’t know, I just feel spent. All my ideas have fluttered away, and my mind is plodding along like….

Everything is slow, slow.

(Can you imagine the doom of someone who cannot die?)

No I’m not tempting Fate, or crying out for help. It’s just that I can’t keep my mind focused on One Thing these days. My mind used to flick back and forth like the beak of an over-caffeinated bird on amphetamines, except smoothly, with all these thoughts running together, building upon each other, this rickety structure of nonsense that still somehow manages to defy gravity.

(Is there a name for this condition? Where you lose all sense of time, of time passing, of time past?)

My mind could flick through the tortuous, tormenting passages of labyrinthine thought, darting this way and that, nevermind all the dead ends I would run into. There was always this hope, this belief, that there really is an exit from this, that I would make my way to safety, that I could get Home.

But I feel like my soul has been siphoned off. I’m running on fumes. I just want to lie here, untroubled, mouldering on this gray stone.

(They say that drowning is one of the most painfully excruciating ways to die.)