swirling
Oh, what was it I had meant to say? There are a million thoughts careening through my addled brain at this benighted hour, and I sit here tongue-tied like an idiot.
I am slowly making my way through my apartment, trying to at least clean off the centimeter of grime that has built up on all horizontal surfaces. What kind of really grosses me out is the realization that at least 70% of all this dust is sloughed-off human skin infested with dust mites. Nasty.
I only have my Linux box up right now, and immediately, I am reminded as to how much of a Mac chauvanist I’ve become. (Oh the bitter irony!) I am immediately thrown off by the fact that I only have thousands and not millions of colors available (but that is a glitch resulting from the fact that Fedora Core is not recognizing my video card and definitely does not recognize my flatscreen.) I am also thrown off by the lack of fonts, and not having Flash, and by the fact that there is no default mail client configured.
I also just tried to change the resolution of my screen, and sadly, X won’t let me do it without having to restart X (although I realize this is a far cry from having to reboot the computer, like Windows would frequently make me.
But more importantly at this point, I ponder the meaning (and meaninglessness) of coincidences. I try to stop thinking about hidden meaning possibly embedded in every day mundane experiences, but my brain is a pattern recognition automaton, and I basically can’t help it.
Today I noticed that there were seven silver cars of otherwise different make and model lined up alongside one side of a parking structure I drove through this evening. This is surely meaningless, and yet I can’t help but entertain the possibility that God is trying to tell me something. (I don’t know, maybe He likes silver cars?)
Somehow I have managed to pull the directional needle towards the positive side of the x axis, and have once again come to the realization that I really am nothing more than a clockwork orange. All you have to do adjust a few chemicals, manipulate a few synapses, and somehow I’m slightly less depressed than I usually am.
Today I spent most of the afternoon staring outside the window.
At least I didn’t just go to sleep right away again when I got home like I have been for the past two and a half weeks.
I am most likely clinically depressed, but, like most depressed people, I’m so depressed that I can’t motivate myself enough to do anything about it.
This is unfortunate.
But, whatever.
I can honestly say that, within the past two months, I have indeed experienced a day that where I was unequivocally happy, but I will leave it at that.
Nothing lasts forever.
Or for more than a day, for that matter.
But we won’t go there. At least not right now.