a meditation on why things fall apart
After work today, I went to the Coffee Bean to get some caffeine because of my impending caffeine-withdrawal headache. I basically spent the time sipping on my ice-blended caffeine drink and scrawling depressing passages into my notebook. Man, I’m on fire these days.
I don’t know why the hell I am in the midst of a turbulent depression right now. As far as work is concerned, things are going pretty well. I have a pretty easy schedule, and I have a lot of free time.
Which is, I suppose, the root of the problem. We all know that idle hands are the playground of the Devil.
Still, I had as much free time if not more a few months ago, and while I wasn’t exactly Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky, I wasn’t fucking depressed and despondent either. As far as I can remember, I was actually having somewhat of a good time, successfully entertaining myself with simple pleasures.
Or maybe not. Maybe free time is just bad for me, I guess.
But I couldn’t help but ponder the idea that sadness is simply a somatic marker for something not going right in your life. It’s like a warning light on your dashboard. For example, the gas tank is empty, or you need to check your engine, or maybe your emergency brake is on. While it might same patently obvious to saner people, I can’t help but feel that it’s also useless. Clearly, there is something wrong with my life. The million-dollar question is, just exactly what, and even better, what can I do about it?
The easy answer is novelty. I need something new and original in my life. I need a good hobby.
Given that I am almost 30, maybe I should do something crazy. Like sky-diving. Maybe I should give it a shot.
You only live once, after all.
The more complicated answer is something that Ben, Bram, Joce, and Chriscelle have all touched upon and admonished me about: I need to learn how to be more social. I need to learn how to meet people. What is lacking from my life are human relationships. I’m not talking about dating and romantic relationships (or, at least, I’m not limiting the discussion to just these things.) I mean relationships in general. Friendships, acquaintances. Family. Except for work, I basically spend most of my time holed up in what may as well be a steel-enforced bunker, peering through the warped prism of the Internet.
A random thought whizzed through my head just now: is it really so bad to be just a friend?
What will be, will be, and what won’t, won’t, I suppose.
Feh. For some reason, that leaves me very dissatisfied. You take what you can get, I suppose.