I ran across this phrase on a random blog, and this phrase happens to be a major tenet of Buddhism. I have waxed philosophically much about the Art of Not Wanting and it is such a tricky thing. As I’ve noted, this particular state of bliss has nothing to do with the avolitional state which undergirds atypical depression and schizophrenia. Instead of a lack, an emptiness, the Art of Not Wanting is a sense of completion.

To put it another way: “What I am is sufficient for this moment.”

I’ve gotten a hang of avolition. There are days where, if I don’t just sit in front of this cursed lcd panel typing random search queries into Google, I will instead lie in bed and hope that I fall asleep.

I realize that this is incredibly pathetic, and what’s more, a good sign that I am, in fact, still depressed. It’s no longer the horrific aching that is the beginning of the dark road to suicidal ideation. It’s just this dull emptiness, this sense of not giving a crap about myself, and knowing that no one else cares about me either. OK, objectively speaking, I know this is a lie. I’m pretty sure my mom would be upset if I offed myself. And my friends would hate me for such cowardly selfishness. But the fact of the matter is that I don’t care enough about myself to take good care of myself, and as we all know, if you don’t love yourself, how can you love anyone else?

So it all comes together. The Art of Not Wanting is all about learning to love yourself (which is The Greatest Love of All™) What I am is sufficient for this moment. Right now, I will be enough.

This does not mean that I shouldn’t grow and change. (If anything, mastering the Art of Not Wanting should lead to extensive growth and extreme changes.) What it means is that self-loathing is useless. Whatever it is that I need to face, I will face it with courage, using all that I am to fight my way through. This is not to say that I cannot fail. But failure is a symptom that I am not envisioning the world rightly and I need to try something different. Failure cannot define who I am unless I let it. I can try and fail and not be a failure.

The first step, I guess, is to not be afraid of failing. Because what I am now will be enough. Maybe I won’t succeed, but it will probably be because I’ll be trying to solve the wrong problem and not because I am stupid, insane, and worthless.

In this vein, I recognize the value of religion. Whatever faith you believe in, it allows you to recognize your intrinsic self-worth. In Catholicism, you can say to yourself that you are a child of God, meaning, no matter what, you have value. To put it more tritely than that, I am special. (Just like everyone else.)

So: (1) What I am is sufficient for this moment. (2) Failing is a method that will help me recognize that I am looking at the situation wrongly. It is a way to lift the veil off my eyes. It cannot define my worth, because my value is intrinsic in my existence.

If I can just pound these things into my soft, mushy brain, I just may have a shot at life.