For a while now, I've been trying to figure out a way to decrease the amount of time it takes [Jekyll][1] to render my blog. It now takes up to 6-8 minutes, which seems rather excessive.

I don't know if this is really true, but it struck me that in that many cases, people describe the country that they're from as the "motherland" when they're immigrants or the children of immigrants. (And it's generally no accident that the country they currently live probably colonized the country that they or their parents came from.)

It's about 3 a.m. and I'm utterly exhausted. I've pushed myself to the brink for no good reason and I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm not entirely certain what I'm trying to prove here. I try a reconfiguration to see if it will make a difference, and I guess I've proven to myself what she knew all along once upon a time, that my attempts at fixing things end up being mere rearrangements. I don't so much clean as reshuffle. Things move around, but nothing really changes.

The funny thing is that, despite my lack of organization, despite my disdain of long-term plans and schedules, my dislike of homogenous order, my claustrophobia in the face of structure, I am, deep-down inside, a control freak.

I really, really need to start writing things down. I had some pretty deep and interesting thoughts this afternoon, but now they are all gone. Oh, but there is a little teaser about learned helplessness.