mahiwaga

After grabbing some grub and buying more toilet paper, I noticed for the first time the unnatural, diffuse glow that seems to envelop all of San Diego. The sky is this bizarre faded and yet deep blue, like the color of the light filtering through an aquarium, maybe, or maybe more like a TV screen that’s on but without any input coming in, not even static. Or maybe more like an overexposed picture, and just as grainy.

Words are clearly failing me.

The light is ghostly, more like St Elmo’s fire than the greenish glow in which radioactivity is cartoonishly depicted, and the sky is surprisingly bright, despite it being near midnight.

It’s just all the smoke drifting through the air, especially now that the winds have died down, and the air has grown still. All the city lights are scattered wildly by the suspended particles of soot and ash.

I ponder the quote that S. posted about wonder, and also the Blind Chatelaine’s thoughts about beauty, danger, and destruction. I think about J.R.R. Tolkien’s fascination with the land of Faerie, and remember that Lyra Belacqua, also known as Silvertongue, crossed worlds on a night like this, with the sky afire with electric light, burning with eldritch fire.

I wonder if this is yet another false portent that will send me off into a wild goosechase, though I realize deep down inside that there is no pattern in any of this, only the reckless dance of capricious chance, and I have no one to blame but myself for following faery dreams. And yet, I hope that this time the signs are aligned. Though the smoke has smothered all the starlight, I keep wishing that my chance has come at least, when all my striving and yearning and longing might come to a peaceful end, and I can be still and silent, and live at last in quiet joy.

There is that urban legend that the Chinese character for “crisis” is composed of the characters for “danger” and “opportunity” and while the linguistics may be faulty, there is an underlying truism: without risk, there can be no reward. And without the chance for failure, there can be no success.

I feel like I’m once again embarking on a quest.