mahiwaga

This song is by Pedro Gil, whom I ended up watching a few months ago.

As far as past Septembers have gone, this one has definitely gone better than most. Two weddings, a beer festival, visitors from afar. I managed to stave off depression as well as I could, despite being haunted by specters from the distant as well as the not-so-distant past.

If I could guarantee that life remained fixed within these parameters, if I could guarantee not having to suffer terribly again, maybe it would be enough. But there’s now way to do that.

I’ve given up hoping for anything more, though, so I’m not sure how to make sure I can continue to navigate the inevitable bumps and potholes.

My interpretation of a mathematical theory of karma:

Plenty of people get good things that they don’t deserve.

Behind every great fortune is a great crime.
—Honore de Balzac

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
—William Jennings Bryant

I am wary of attributing “hard work” and “dedication” to people who are successful. In fact, I think the louder someone touts their virtues, the less likely they actually deserved what they got.

While the universe clearly doesn’t operate this way, I feel like people who have been arbitrarily disadvantaged for whatever reason deserve at least some kind of compensatory advantage.

I just have a thing for the underdog, I guess.

is it sharp?
is it burning?
is it constant?
is it intermittent?

is it throbbing?
is it crampy?
is it gnawing?
does it spread?

was it always here?
laughing in the shadows,
knowing in the end
that I am in its thrall

the night lengthens
the dawn grows distant
and dreams grow more perilous
hope wanes

but I will trust to luck as always
only fickle fate can guide my way

This song seems curiously apt with regards to the thoughts flowing through my head in the last 48 hours or so. This song actually reminds me of those days when the evil resident was raping my soul and somehow it ties everything together and closes the loop.

I’ve been wondering about the complexity
Of what we have it shouldn’t be
More
Just can’t see
More

I’ve been wondering about the complexity
Of what we have it shouldn’t be
More
Just can’t see
More

You’re physically in this, but how could we tell
If we was meant to be in bliss if you’re not mentally as well?
This energy you’re sending me is tricky as hell
Usually it’s like a 50/50, we could take a L
Before we start things, at this point being apart brings
The feeling of somebody plucking at your heart strings I know it probably shouldn’t feel like this
But any other woman I see is in your likeness
It’s from your cheekbones
to your lips, to your curves, to your deep moans
To that walk, to your words
You love feeling like a breakdown on the verge
First we on good terms, then you on my last nerves
Got my back just aching, my shoes is all tight
It’s too complex when we choose to do it right
It’s wrong, one minute you a soldier strong
Then you trying a route talking about it’s over and gone

I’ve been wondering about the complexity
Of what we have it shouldn’t be
More
Just can’t see
More

I’ve been wondering about the complexity
Of what we have it shouldn’t be
More
Just can’t see
More

When your boyfriend’s in town, it’s bound to be trouble, Love
His name Black, and he known to be a lover of
Getting it on with my smoker’s jacket on
Eyes racing back and forth listening to Chaka Khan
Trying to figure the cause why you always acting off
like I’m slacking off
Maybe our signal’s getting crossed
For the case Love, you feel like you making a waste of
Your precious time you need to get a taste of
Some space to breathe, a moment as friends
We should’ve felt ourselves slipping into it again
Cuz it’s like off and on, on and off
Passion, lost and found, found and lost
Clashing, asking for nothing but understanding
Your heart’s made of glass, use care when handling
Girl, all in all I never leave you stranded
Cuz my respect you commanded, you figure it out

I’ve been wondering about the complexity
Of what we have it shouldn’t be
More
Just can’t see
More

I’ve been wondering about the complexity
Of what we have it shouldn’t be
More
Just can’t see
More

I used to come into the party and stand around
Cuz I was kinda too shy to really get down
I used to play the corner and watch the scene
Deep down knowing I wanted to find me a queen
And I could feel that in my stomach and up in my chest
Because I knew a lot of women, and some was fresh
But then I found you girl, and just like me
You had a heart that was yearning to be set free
Now listen, see you and me we need to take the time
To erase any doubt that’s inside your mind
It’s not a mountain that I’m ever too tired to climb
And who’s counting, but I know at least a thousand times
I let you know I’m here for you, care for you, and confide in you
Break bread, share with you, and provide for you
And that’s full time, it’s no 9 to 5 with you
That’s why I’m trying to work it out with you, it’s gonna work

I’ve been wondering about the complexity
Of what we have it shouldn’t be
More
Just can’t see
More

I’ve been wondering about the complexity
Of what we have it shouldn’t be
More
Just can’t see
More

I really find this song haunting. And fitting, as the memories of this last summer and the summers gone before blow away upon the wind of smoke.

For some reason, the first thing to come to mind is [Edenborn] by Nick Sagan, the disturbing future that he envisions, with humanity wiped out by a plague. The main character’s son’s self-destruction in the face of what may be love.

The book in turn reminds me of NYC (I picked up the first book in the series Idyllwild on one of my trips to NYC) and lost opportunities, crossed signals, and asking myself, why do I keep doing this to myself? Hmm?

Did you ever think of me
as your best friend?
Did I ever think of you?
I’m not complaining

I never tried to feel
I never tried to feel this vibration
I never tried to reach
I never tried to reach your Eden

Did I ever think of you
as my enemy?

Did you ever think of me?
I’m complaining

I never tried to feel
I never tried to feel this vibration
I never tried to reach
I never tried to reach your Eden

…left in 2007. Where does the time go?

It’s been a year since I’ve been dealing with this pain that I’ve assumed is either sciatica or piriformis syndrome, and have usually gotten around it with either naproxen or Tylenol, but today was the first day where it just laid me out flat. I haven’t been able to function normally, and my back is killing me.

Ah well.

This trip to L.A., my check engine light turned on, making me apprehensive about my engine suddenly giving out as I traversed the I-5 at 80 mph. The car held out, but now I have to pay something l like $1,000 to get it fixed. So I had to drive my sister’s old car (a 2002 Tan X-Terra) down to S.D.

Which is an interesting frame, because before my sister left for Guatemala, I had to get my car serviced then, too, and had to borrow the X-Terra for a week. (Supposedly, my sister is returning to these United States on Tuesday.)

As usual, I find myself sifting through memories and blog posts, which is actually quite entertaining, but sometimes quite painful. I’m starting to really feel the futility of it all. I really don’t think I’ve learned a goddamned thing since I started keep this journal.

I’m just one voice clamoring into the uncaring ether.

Whatever. It’s late. I need to go to sleep.