I’m not quite certain what compelled me to get out of bed at 4:45 a.m. I didn’t even set my alarm. Supposedly, early morning awakening is one of the cardinal signs of depression. Meaning I still haven’t beat this disease.

After particularly grueling rotations, I find myself sinking into this weird pit of despair. I don’t know if it’s just all the barely repressed emotions finally coming home to roost. All the death and the frustration and the fear hitting me weeks late. During the times that I’ve had to actually perform, I guess I try to be as robot-like as possible. Which is, granted, not a healthy thing to do, but neither is staying up for 30 hours in a row every four nights (not to mention all the crap food that I’ve been eating.) No one said that residency was going to be healthy.

I just don’t know what to say, or where to go on from here. For the past twelve years, my life has been all about transience. The life I lead now has no real anchoring in reality. From college, to professional school, to postgraduate training, it’s all been in preparation for “real life,” which is, in all honesty, something that I’ve been trying hard not to face.

Reality. Who needs it?

But. I guess everything changes. The life I lead now is destined to end, and a new phase scheduled to begin. Such is life.

The surest thing about luck is that it will change.

And, better lucky than good.

I kind of wish I could go back to sleep, but I’m all riled up for no good reason. I suppose I could actually take care of some chores, but who really wants to do that at 5:30 a.m.?

Bah.

I’m starting to make this an April/May tradition. Take the quiz.

My Existing Situation

Insecure. Seeks roots, stability, emotional security, and an environment providing greater ease and fewer problems. # My Stress Sources

An existing situation is unsatisfactory and you feel unable to improve it without willing cooperation. The need for understanding and for affectionate give-and-take remains unsatisfied; you now have a feeling of being tied down, giving rise to impatience, irritability, and the desire to escape. # My Restrained Characteristics

Circumstances are such that you feel forced to compromise for the time being if you are to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation. The situation is preventing you from establishing yourself, but you feel you must make the best of things as they are. # My Desired Objective

Intensity, vitality, and animation, taking a delight in action. Activity is directed towards success or conquest and there is a desire to live life to the fullest. # My Actual Problem

You want to act freely and uninhibitedly, but are restrained by your need to have things on a rational, consistent, and clearly-defined basis. # My Other Actual Problem

Anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced stress. You try to escape by intense activity, directed either towards personal success or towards variety of experience.