mahiwaga

The problem with conspiracy theories is that you can pretty much twist any piece of data to support your claim, and anyone who disagrees with you clearly is part of the conspiracy as well.

Websurdity publishes an somewhat unhinged theory that the destruction of the first Death Star was actually planned by the Empire. Now, I’ve never trusted Emperor Palpatine or his neoconservative cronies. After all, these jokers had all been part of the upper echelons of the disgraced Trade Federation that had its hand in helping turn our Republic into a police state 30 years ago. (Anyone remember “I am not a crook”?)

But as Robert Heinlein has said, “Never attribute to malice what can be attributed to stupidity.” Everyone knows that Palpatine was a C student back at Coruscant University, and that the only reason he actually passed was because of his family legacy. To believe that a government filled with such ineptitude as Palpatine’s administration has shown in the past six years—spiralling budget deficits, the greatest we’ve ever seen, despite the fact that Finis Valorum actually turned over a budget surplus to Palpatine, the enormous tax cuts for the rich, the disdain shown to education and health care, the torture scandal of the Imperial Prisons, the wiretapping scandals, the complete lack of Imperial aid to the survivors of the obliteration of Alderaan, and the worst being their complete failure to plan for continued occupation of Separatist systems—that this sorry bunch of idiots could actually orchestrate everything that was necessary for the terrorist Rebellion to succeed in the Death Star attack is giving them too much credit.

There are intriguing details that we know to be true, to be sure. (1) Lord Vader and Skywalker were both trained by the same guy, Obi Wan Kenobi, whom we have long known has had terrorist sympathies, and all these guys have had contact with Yoda, who, for some reason, despite knowing for a fact that he’s on Dagobah, has still not been apprehended. Not that I’m excusing fundamentalist religion, but these guys do have a legitimate axe to grind. We totally used the Jedi during the Clone Wars in our effort to “stave off Communism” in the Peripheral Systems before the Confederacy completely collapsed, and all they got out of it was getting purged (2) Lord Vader, who happens to own a large amount of stock in Sienar Fleet Systems, will stand to make a mint off of Sienar’s new contract to build yet another Death Star, this one even bigger than the last. The list of ways that the Imperial leadership is capitalizing both politically and financially on this tragic event could go on and on.

And, yes, Palpatine has no doubt used the destruction of the Death Star as an excuse for stripping the people of more and more of their Constitutional rights, and as an excuse to escalate the so-called War on Terror in the Peripheral Systems. And nothing would make me happier than throwing Palpatine and his cronies not only out of office, but in prison where they belong. But the fact of the matter is that you don’t need some Death Star conspiracy to indict these bastards. All you need to do is look at the fact that we’re throwing trillions upon trillions of credits away in this failed war against the Rebellion, doing nothing more than fattening the pockets of military contractors and Palpatine’s toadies, all at the expense of basic domestic needs like health care, social security, education, and at the expense of dismantling what has made our Galaxy great—the Constitution upon which it was founded.

I don’t know how I find these random things, but I stumbled upon Chris Hazard and Ky Kimport’s take on what a Tolkien RPG would look like in the hands of Squaresoft.

In response, I would say that:

• You get your airship from the Shipwright Círdan, who happens to prefer being called Cid. He will also give you Narya, the Ring of Fire, but only if you have Gandalf in your party.
• The final battle sequence will actually consist of destroying Sauron in the Third Age, who takes the form of the Eye. The Nazgûl back him up. Then you travel back in time to the end of the Second Age to defeat Sauron in the Battle of the Last Alliance. After that, you go back earlier in the Second Age where you have to defeat him in Númenor before it sinks under the ocean (yes there is a time limit!). Finally, you go all the way back to the First Age to defeat Sauron, who is teamed up with Thuringwethil the Vampire and Draugluin the Werewolf. Once Sauron is utterly defeated, you are then faced with fighting Glaurung, the father of dragons, Gothmog the Lord of the Balrogs, and finally, Morgoth, the Dark Lord who has about a trillion hit points, and can only be physically damaged by the swords Ringil, Anglachel (but you want to upgrade it to Gurthang when you get a chance), or Anguirel, and also the knife Angrist (although it has to be reforged) You can also use Radagast’s summoning abilities (only the Eagle summon works) or hopefully you have at least one Silmaril, which, like Materia, can be inset into your weapons and give it Morgoth-damaging capabilities.
• Depending on whether or not you look in Galadriel’s Mirror while in Lothlórien, you can unlock the Scouring of the Shire final subquest. This will allow you to keep playing even after you defeat Sauron and Morgoth and unlock Elrond, Galadriel, and Círdan as playable characters. Upon completing this mission, you can unlock the best ending.
• Among the optional characters you can fight (all of whom have maybe at least a quadrillion hit points each) are the twin Blue Wizards who turned evil, Alatar and Pallando, and the penultimate optional battle is Ungoliant who has an octillion hit points, has six different forms, and has the attack “Withering of the Two Trees” which kills all the characters of your party except one, regardless of how many hit points you have, what armor you have equipped, or what magical protection you’ve cast.
• The ultimate optional battle pits you against Neo-Morgoth, who is partly cybernetic, and who has sexdicillion hit points and will take literally 24 hours to beat (not counting breaks) and who will be far more difficult than the actual final battle of the game. On the upside, you should have the Elven Lords at this point, who can all inflict massive amounts of damage thanks to the Rings of Power
• Various optional subquests include the reconquest of Moria, the cleansing of the Barrow Downs, the Colosseum in Umbar, lifting Numenór back out of the ocean, lifting Beleriand back out of the ocean, restoring the Two Trees, finding and clearing Angband, and finding and clearing Utumno
• Valinor becomes accessible if you have a Silmaril
• Like other Final Fantasy games, you can gather certain talismans to summon Elf Lords, Maiar, and Valar to fight for you temporarily.
• Limit breaks/ultimate attacks:
  • Samwise: precision apple throw (instantly fatal), elven-lord charge (attacks multiple foes at once)
  • Frodo: the phial of Galadriel (holy damage to all foes)
  • Merry: the horn of Rohan (summons the Rohirrim to deal damage to all your foes)
  • Pippin: Bullroarer’s attack (instant death by decapitation, leading to a hole-in-one)
  • Aragorn: Flame of the West (fire attack to all foes), Wings of Thorongil (wind attack to all foes), The Light of the Elfstone (holy attack to all foes)
  • Gimli: Axes of Khazad (damage to multiple foes), Durin’s Hammer (massive damage to a single foe)
  • Gandalf: The Flame of Anor (massive holy damage), the Lightning of the Maiar (massive electrical damage), the Hand of the Valar (only available for Gandalf the White, dealing incredibly massive amounts of holy damage)

Wow. Just, wow.

Both Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney, the two leading Republican candidates for President in 2008 don’t believe in the Magna Carta, and think that a king an executive should be able to do whatever they want to.

Never mind that the Magna Carta and the writ of habeas corpus have been cornerstones of Western Civilization™ since 1215.

We’re going all the way back to the Dark Ages, baby. Burning witches at the stake. Stoning heretics. Serfs. Slaves. The Black Plague. It’s on.

The thing that is most entertaining about this is that during the Dark Ages, it was the Arabs kept the intellectual and philosophical legacies of the Greeks and the Romans from mouldering in the grass, without whom Europe would’ve remained nothing but a howling wasteland populated by naked, illiterate savages. In such a world, the U.S. would’ve never have existed.

Which is essentially what Giuliani and Romney are saying. You take away habeas corpus and you’ve destroyed the Constitution, and without the Constitution, the U.S. doesn’t exist.

Why do the Republicans hate America?