mahiwaga

(if you are a child of the ‘80’s, and/or a fan the erstwhile Flashback Lunch on KROQ with Richard Blade, you will recognize that the title of this blog entry is stolen from some song lyrics.)

I talked with M today about the difficulties of relationships, the snafus with communicating emotions and expectations, the drawing of boundaries, the marking off of categories, even the finely split nomenclature of types of relationships. I really all sounds obscenely absurd, and yet, despite being out of the Game, so to speak, for a long while, I completely understand.

now I have been easily ignoring the lack of female, well, actually, just human companionship in my life these days, except for work. as I have bitched and moaned repeatedly, my life is all about work these days. which is a convenient excuse for why I’m not going out and meeting people.

but I know that’s not the real reason. the real reason is that I am deathly afraid to let my guard down. I mean, I’m not a complete hermetic isolate, I do joke around with my co-workers and I do go out once in a while for non-work related activities, but I know that I am probably eons away from being able to trust one single person with the cobweb-thin fragility of my ego.

Right now, I don’t know. I like my weltanschaung the way it is. I kind of gibber at the idea of allowing someone into my life, and letting her rearrange all the metaphoric furniture. and yet to look upon the ensuing decades and imagine them completely unchanging, with me here alone, doing the same thing day in and day out, devoting myself to work entirely. there is something painfully and disasterously sterile about that. I’m not quite sure I want to make that decision, to let myself float off into the cosmos unchanging, merely decaying, instead of letting someone else touch my soul. to take a chance and let someone else change me, make me more than I already am.

There is that damnable question:

What if?

but, more ponderous pondering to follow….

OK, I got distracted there from what I was trying to say. The reason why I scraped this fragmented lyric from the inside of my brain is because I am musing on something a girl once wrote me, a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

Even then you had that sweet, special smile…

…when I didn’t even think she knew who I was. Although I don’t know what she would think if she knew that I had been attracted to her from the start. I remember seeing her, hanging out with mutual friends, and I remember having to catch my breath.

And of course my usual lack of self-esteem fell upon me with a vengeance. Clearly out of my league. Once again I long for what I cannot have.

Ah, the strange paths that my life has taken.

Nearly a decade since, and I haven’t really made any progress in terms of overcoming my inability to trust other people. Well, either that, or I am simply unloveable and worthless, but we all know what a vortex of despair that would lead us down. As I’ve said before, believing such things is ultimately incompatible with life.

What I am really left with are these thoughts, which are evoked everytime I see the Sea, and those mysterious islands just on the horizon.

Just call me the Dread Pirate Roberts.