mahiwaga

Averted madness, I will now write in crypticisms and perhaps try to make some sense of this. I should have been born Roman, tring to interpret all these augries. Or perhaps the priesthood is my calling?

I am sorrowful, but at least not too crazy. I know I shouldn’t but her out of my mind. It might not be the everything I year for, but it is at least something. What that something is, I am at a loss to explain. It’s like bile, now concentrating into a stone. Mmm. Lost that simile.

But at least two people—no, exactly two people—have told me not to give up entirely, though I realize it’s all suspect—one being an eternal optimist, the other a perpetual instigator. The one who has told me to give up is a newly-minted cynic, freshly born out of relationship strife. I want to believe her, but I don’t want to throw a gift back into God’s face. Damn expectations.

But I feel the hourglass emptying, and everything is hopeless sound, endless fury (forgive me Faulkner and Shakespeare.)

I have resorted to coining nonsensical words. They strangely offer much comfort. Oh please tell me what I’m supposed to do, but I know it’s not that easy.

But I think I have a better direction. Yes, I am quite inspired by my sister. Can I be a politician? Yes, I think I can be a real phony, the most dangerous kind (I realize my random changeability does not make me powerful, only dangerous, not only to my enemies, but to my self and to my allies—but this is out of context.) Is it true I have no integrity? Am I rationalizing? Or are these my particular needs?

I will take Dr. R’s facetitious suggestion and try to work in health care politics/policy (Same thing?)

I’ve got to do something that is not so egocentric.

I want to justify myself to [redacted]. So many things. If I believed in the power of prayer (Even though I believe in God, I know for a fact that prayer is nowhere near as straightforward as people are wont to believe), I pray for the gift of Time with her.

I need to do something for the good of humanity. Until the Spirit fills me, all this is mental masturbation.